


deep inside my heart is breaking

by reaperbites



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Abusive Ex, Cuddles, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic, Panic Attack, Protective Crowley (Good Omens), mentions of abuse, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 08:09:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21176186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reaperbites/pseuds/reaperbites
Summary: No...Tears came to Aziraphale's eyes.No, no, not... Him.He felt his breath catch in his throat, and the familiar tingling sensation filled his body. He thought he'd never have to go through another attack over this again. He never thought he'd have to seehimagain.





	deep inside my heart is breaking

**Author's Note:**

> Hello yes, it is I, your gay guy. After reading the book and watching the show, as well as going through something similar to what's in this fic, I finally sat down and wrote something featuring our fave celestial beings. The title is from Daughtry's song, All These Lives. Any and all comments are appreciated <3

It was like any other day in the bookshop. Aziraphale was in the back room, reading, while Crowley tended to costumers. He was much better at talking costumers out of buying books than Aziraphale, so he was often left to do the task. He took his job with pride.

The couple lived at Crowley's place, but after the bookshop was repaired, they had to keep up with the bookseller and collector charade. Within weeks, Crowley was a regular in the shop. He would put his silver tongue to good use. His and Aziraphale's relationship became rather public. It seemed everyone who walked in knew they were dating. 

Aziraphale was in the middle of the last chapter of his latest literary obsession when he heard Crowley's voice. It sounded friendly and inviting. Too inviting for Zira's taste.

He set his book on the table next to the couch, and stood. He walked to the main part of the bookshop. _Who is he warming up to?_ He wondered. His eyes scanned the area. He caught sight of his boyfriend's ginger hair and smiled. As he saw who Crowley was talking to so affectionately, it felt like an ice pick had been shoved through his heart.

_No..._ Tears came to Aziraphale's eyes. _No, no, not... Him._ He felt his breath catch in his throat, and the familiar tingling sensation filled his body. He thought he'd never have to go through another attack over this again. He never thought he'd have to see _him_ \- Reuben - again.

Reuben had put Aziraphale through Hell while they dated. Reuben wouldn't let Aziraphale out of his sight, and wouldn't let him do anything without permission. He often made snide remarks about Aziraphale's weight and overall appearance, telling him he'd be nothing and no one would love him if he wasn't around. Aziraphale was stuck on a leash and Reuben was the caretaker. 

Aziraphale thought he escaped it once Reuben Fell. He knew Reuben didn't truly love him. He didn't have to look over his shoulder when traveling. Reuben was stuck in Hell. Aziraphale was still stuck crying and going through panic attacks when the flashbacks the abuse had left him with pierced his mind, but he preferred it much more than being stuck on Reuben's leash.

Crowley felt eyes in him as a Heavenly presence filled the air. “Angel! Come mee-” He stopped mid-sentence as he turned around to see how distressed and shaky Aziraphale was. He knew what was going on immediately. _Not another attack,_ he thought as he pushed his new "friend" to the side. Autopilot seemed to kick in as he rushed to Aziraphale's side.__

_ _He pulled the angel into a hug, as his touch always calmed him down. “Angel, Angel, what's wrong?” he asked, trying his best to keep his voice even. He could feel Aziraphale shaking, and hear how his breaths were only coming in short gasps. It broke his heart. He positioned himself so nobody else could see Aziraphale like this._ _

_ _But he was too late._ _

_ _Aziraphale had caught a glance of Reuben's painful, yellow eyes on him and an ugly grin. It was a grin he was used to seeing after Reuben would fake another apology after telling him how fat he was. It was burned into the back of his mind like a master's brand on a calf. It only made him shake more. Tears that had welled up in his eyes were now rolling down his cheeks. He couldn't catch his breath. _I'm trapped,_ he told himself. _I'm trapped, Reuben is going to get me again, I can't get out of here, Crowley can't protect me.__ _

_ _Aziraphale's silence only worried Crowley more. He ushered him to the back room, closing and locking the door as soon as they were inside. He helped Aziraphale sit on the couch. He fought the urge to kneel down in front of him. Instead he kneeled a few feet away from in front of the couch, knowing if he stood it would make Aziraphale even more nervous. He knew asking what's wrong could make the situation worse. _ _

_ _“Dove, focus on the sound of my voice, okay?” He said. “How many, er, candles are in the room?” He could feel himself shaking with anxiety. He knew it was nothing compared to Aziraphale's attack._ _

_ _Aziraphale's eyes darted around the room. His vision was blurry, too blurry. He placed his hands on the sides of his head. _I'M TRAPPED,_ was all his mind could scream. He shook his head. He could hear Crowley, and could see a blurry outline of him, but he still felt all alone in the room. _ _

_ _He turned away from Crowley, and curled up into a little ball on the couch. His knees were at his chest, and he had his arms wrapped around his legs. He tried to make himself smaller. He knew if he could disappear, the attack would be over. He wouldn't start screaming - again. A sob was caught in his throat. He closed his eyes. _Why can't I just die? Why am I not dead yet? Why am I alive?__ _

_ _Crowley stopped himself from reaching out to Aziraphale. He had to review his thoughts over and over before he finally spoke. “Angel, focus on my voice. How many books are in the room?” He could count at least 20, but he knew Aziraphale would have the exact number on the tip of his tongue._ _

_ _Aziraphale felt like he was hearing Crowley's voice through water. His body was tense and shaking, ready to lash out at any touch. _ _

_ _The minutes passed by painfully slow as Crowley waited out the panic attack with Aziraphale. He eventually moved just a foot closer to Aziraphale. He felt his heart shatter when it got to the point where Aziraphale was biting down on his knuckles to keep from crying out. Watching his body shake and hearing him hyperventilate was horrible. He was ready to take on Satan and God at the same time to stop it. However, he knew he couldn't do anything besides watch, try the grounding techniques, and keep his angel from getting hurt._ _

_ _“Angel?” Crowley whispered once he was sure Aziraphale had calmed down. Aziraphale was still curled up in a ball, but his body had grown slack. His breathing was steadier, but still interrupted by small sobs. He felt heavy. Crowley scooted closer to him._ _

_ _“Just rest, okay? I'll close up the shop,” Crowley whispered. He reached up to stroke Aziraphale's cheek, but he stopped himself halfway. He stood up to leave._ _

_ _He was shocked when he felt a hand tight around his wrist._ _

_ _Aziraphale looked up at Crowley with tired eyes. He shook his head. “Please... Stay,” he croaked. His throat was sore from pent up cries._ _

_ _“Of course,” Crowley replied. “I'll always be here for you, my love.” He sat in the floor, leaning back against the couch. Customers could always wait. They would leave when no one was helping them._ _

_ _Aziraphale nodded slowly, and allowed himself to close his eyes. His mind was racing, but each thought was becoming foggier as exhaustion overtook him. He eventually gave in. Sleep was better than facing his problems._ _

_ _As Aziraphale slept, Crowley heard footsteps leaving the bookshop. He assumed people had grown tired of not having assistance. _Thank Satan,_ he thought with a small grin. Once he was certain the last person was out, he snapped his fingers, making the sign turn around to say closed. _ _

_ _He looked back at Aziraphale. His grin grew when he saw Aziraphale's breathing was steady, and he was relaxed. He didn't understand why Aziraphale had panicked earlier, but it didn't matter now. They were together now. He placed a light kiss on Aziraphale's forehead. _Sleep well, my love.__ _

_ _-_ _

_ _Aziraphale awoke the next morning in Crowley's bed. He reached over for Crowley, and frowned when he didn't feel anything. He looked around the room for him. No Crowley. He sat up in bed and stretched. He noticed he was wearing one of Crowley's oversized sweaters. He felt his face flush lightly._ _

_ _He didn't remember ever going home with Crowley the night before. He only remembered reading, hearing Crowley talking to costumers, then, him. Reuben. He felt himself get shaky all over again. He wrapped his arms around himself. Tears welled up in his eyes once again. _Not again, Aziraphale, not again.__ _

_ _Crowley walked back into the room. He took a glance at Aziraphale and was across the room, on the bed, in seconds. He wrapped his arms around his angel. “Dove, I'm here, what's wrong?”_ _

_ _“H-Him...” Aziraphale said in a shaky voice before hiding his face in Crowley's chest. If he could focus on Crowley, he could avoid another attack._ _

__Crowley raised an eyebrow. “Who's _him_?” He already had a burning hate towards whomever this _him_ was. _Him_ was the one causing Aziraphale this pain.

“Reuben,” Aziraphale nearly gagged on the word. “The demon you were talking to yesterday...” Even though he knew the demon would never let anything harm him, Aziraphale felt so small and vulnerable in Crowley's arms.

Crowley's teeth locked together as a low growl sounded in his throat. He could still remember Reuben as if he had just seen him. Muddy eyes - which were obviously yellow snake eyes - hidden by brown contacts, jet black hair, and a switchblade smile. One of his ears had a skull piercing on the lobe. He gave off a defensive vibe, but Crowley dismissed it once he saw his eyes. He wasn't the only demon who had settled down on Earth after all. 

Aziraphale cringed at the way Crowley's growl vibrated his chest. “Crowley, please...” He whimpered. He should've expected this. Sure, he wanted Reuben out of existence, too, but he didn't want Crowley to go down for it.

Crowley clutched Aziraphale closer to his chest. He turned Aziraphale's face up to his, so their eyes met. “Angel, what did he do to you?” His voice was stern yet gentle.

Aziraphale melted into Crowley's touch. He bit his lip and looked away from Crowley for a brief moment. He then looked back up at him. “He... Abused me.”

“How?”

Aziraphale took in a shaky breath. “Physically... Verbally... Emotionally...” He wiped his tears away, and looked away from Crowley. “He would hit me, grab me so hard it left bruises... Sometimes he would try to manipulate into having sex with him. When I refused, he- he- he-” Aziraphale took a breath, “...he would make fun of me. He told me I was fat and ugly and...” He couldn't bring himself to continue on. He finally gave into his tears. _Reuben's not here, he didn't hear me. Right?_ He let himself shake and cry as he clung onto Crowley. He felt like he had been ripped open for the world to see. He never wanted to speak again.

Crowley growled once again, tightening his grip around Aziraphale. He made a mental note to control his anger when the angel let out a small squeak. He resorted to rubbing the angel's back. 

“Angel, you are beautiful inside and out,” Crowley said. “You're the most beautiful being I have ever laid eyes upon. You have the biggest heart, the most love, and the most patience in the history of the world, even after millenniumsss of being on Earth. If he can't sssee that, then fuck him.” He gingerly turned Aziraphale's face so their eyes met once again. His heart broke when saw pain in Zira's blue eyes. 

“I love you, Aziraphale, more than anything else in every world. I will always be here, and he will never be within 500 kilometers of you again.” He placed a soft kiss on Aziraphale's forehead. “You are _my_ angel. The love of _my_ life. Nothing will ever harm you bad long as I'm still standing.” He could still feel Aziraphale shaking, but it wasn't as erratic now. He gently shushed Aziraphale. He wasn't letting go until Aziraphale was okay again. Nothing else mattered.


End file.
